Depression is no joke but is unfortunately something I have grown all too familiar with.
After reading the last update I did to this blog, it's a bit unfortunate that I still dont have a whole lot of good news to toss onto the blog but I guess I might as well try and give some kind of an update.
Guess I should start with the artsy news first. Havent done a whole lot of drawing in 2020, but seeing how 2020 ended up being I cant say I'm that surprised. I did manage to get a couple of really nice pieces done, and managed to push past a couple of really deep mental blocks. (I'll try to get around to backposting those on the correct dates I created them) So I suppose it wasnt the worst thing ever.
I also made an attempt at programming and game design again. That would have been the 2nd or 3rd time I tried picking it up... though it unfortunately fell through again. At least until recently when i picked it up again. Turns out I have a surprisingly I'm in a really interesting place with my game design. Throughout my entire life I always thought game design/programming was something 100% out of my reach. And the more I spend time learning the code, learning the tools, and just generally engaging in that environment, it doesnt feel nearly as impossible as I thought it was. This has an interesting side effect of triggering a number of emotions, none of which are particularly desired... This definitely feels like the same feelings I felt when I started noticing my art skills slowly getting better. Like my brain was in disbelief that I was doing the thing I was doing and just kind of shut down. I was able to push my way past these feelings by sheer brute force and consistency, but man it was rough. And subsequently it's rough once again in the game dev field. I'll have a lot more to say about game design stuff on here. I'm determined to figure all this stuff out. Im determined. But man it's rough. These mental blocks are a nightmare.
Update on moms cancer
The best possible news I could start with is that Mom's cancer hasnt spread anymore. They found some junk in her bones that had spread from a previous breast cancer from many many years ago (early 2000s) then put her on some medicine and things have been pretty alright on that front. As long as she keeps taking her meds everything should be alright. We've been keeping a close eye on it and getting as many tests as we need and everything is pretty positive.
After having typed all that out I guess there was actually quite a bit of good that came from 2020. Lots of mental breakthroughs, some game design progress, moms cancer not spreading anymore.
But even with all that, it's hard to not feel like the worst thing ever. I just can help but feel like every every avenue I've explored has just kind of crumbled. Like life has just kind of dragged by along from one thing to another. I used to be so excited about things but lately it's just simply not the case. and hasnt been the case for longer than I'd like to admit. I know that if i put the time and energy into growing and progressing, the time and energy will speak for itself. And it absolutely has... But I'm just exhausted at this point. Recently I've taken active measures to properly acknowledging the depression I've struggled with for a long time. Not mentally beating around the bush, or hunting for "what else could be the problem" just facing things head on. And I've luckily been able to find some success in that regard. It doesnt make it totally bearable, but it's helped a little at least.
I think there's a good part of me that's just fallen out of routine. It's been a year since I've fallen out of the public eye. And I've never been gone from virtually everything for that long. It's given me a lot of time to think and meditate, but at the same time I think I need to rebuild some of those positive habits. and routines. I'm just gonna start small and see where I can push this. Entirely defeated and exhausted, Maybe I can make something work again. Last year was supposed to be my last epic year of pushing this content dream. But seeing that the entire year just kind of shit the bed for the entire planet, it would be dishonest to leave it off there. So I'll end this blog post with a requote from my last post.
"Here's the plan.
I'm giving myself one year to make something happen. I'm going to turn everything off and focus entirely on my goals. No more trying to figure things out. No more taking my time. Just do. Do the lessons, do the studies, learn the software, learn the techniques, learn the tools. My mental state is in shambles, the least I can do is what needs to be done.
Expect more frequent updates on all fronts."
and with that. Here is a random picture of Nona I drew late last year.
