Dont know.

2020 was supposed to be the year that I was finally able to pull everything together and really focus on making actual steps to reaching my biggest dreams and goals.  The lessons that I'd learned over the last few years and nightmarish situations I had to endure to finally get me to this point...  I was finally in a place where I felt nothing cold go wrong.

Welp.  unfortunately something did go wrong.  and I've been struggling with the worst depression I have ever experienced...

I honestly just feel like I am tot he point where I just dont even know anymore.  I just dont know how much of these ridiculous ups and downs I can handle. 

It feels like I've just stepped into a terrible uncanny valley of existence where nothing is right.  Like I've rolled the dice and got the worst possible outcome.  Every single day just feels like an emotionally painful slog trying to piece together what little semblance of normalcy I can muster. 

I'm no stranger to depression, but the news that mom's cancer has returned has been nothing short of soul crushing.  I've been forced to face every one of my shortcomings and failures from the last 15 years directly in the face.  It's hard to not wish I could have been better.  done more.  done better.  It's hard to be optimistic when it feels like I've only ever had nothing but bullshit thrown my way. 

As mentioned in the video, the direct spear to the heart is the fact that I've spent so much of my time trying to help get my mom back into the creative swing of things with many breakthroughs along the way...  But the circumstances and setbacks along the way...  I hate to think that I'll never see her be able to create her stories or books.  It's hard to not just wuestion every little decision i've ever made.  I have never felt so backed into a corner...   I need to push myself harder now than ever but i just dont know how much more of this i can handle.

Here's the plan.
I'm giving myself one year to make something happen.  I'm going to turn everything off and focus entirely on my goals.  No more trying to figure things out.  No more taking my time.  Just do.  Do the lessons, do the studies, learn the software, learn the techniques, learn the tools.  My mental state is in shambles, the least I can do is what needs to be done.

Expect more frequent updates on all fronts.