Let's start the thing by giving a bit of an update. Where's the blogs? THE ARTS!?
I've been going through a lot. I took an emotional hit with the recent loss of Nintendo's president Satoru Iwata. I had so much respect for that man. He was the perfect example of how hard work can pay off. The way he presented himself as the leader of one of the biggest video game companies was admirable, and has always been somewhat of an eye opener for myself that you don't have to become a robot when you find yourself in I higher position. That it's ok to still allow yourself and your personality to shine through despite your position of importance. You dont have to sacrifice yourself to play the role you were intended to play. While he may nolonger be around, his lessons will be remembered. Thank you Iwata.
As for confronting my past.
It's hard to really put this into words, but it's been a huge hindrance and has lead to why I have always felt "not worthy" or just not "good enough" For me, looking into my past never leads to anything positive. I have avoided many of these topics... at least until recently. I think the time has come for me to finally confront these now... I'll try to explain the best i can.
When I was a kid, in terms of the family hierarchy, I was always on the bottom. It was never a situation where I was left without food or clothes. The parent's always did a great job and ensuring all of our needs were met, even considering how little money we had growing up. Even in my creative endeavors there was always enough there for me to express myself creatively. And that's where my troubles come in. I was never the "star child" My creativity was always acknowledged but never really praised or encouraged. Everything, everywhere, was always about somebody else. I was always 2nd class to my brother. Everything he did would turn heads and spark conversation where on the other hand it felt like I was lucky to even receive a "good job" or "that's nice" and This made me idolize my brother. He was the cool awesome brother that did all the amazing things and everybody loved him. I dont even know exactly how to put into words just how much I looked up to my brother. I literally wanted to be exactly like him.
Our relationship on the other hand? Well. Let's just say it was very much your typical "big brother's always right" relationship. He was always bigger, better, faster, and stronger than me. And he would never hesitate to remind me of that. I was the dumb little brother. unimportant. This isn't to say that our entire relationship was terrible. We had plenty of good times playing and exploring. To my brothers credit, I never recall him outright insulting me for the sake of insulting. On the other hand, was always some form of mocking or belittling remarks that always seemed to happen. Which I suppose it is what it is. We were kids back then and it's hard to really hold anything against someone for the way they acted when they were little. It is what it is I suppose.
It wasn't until about 2nd grade that I finally met someone that truly respected me for who I was and legitimately enjoyed what I brought to the table. It was a friendship that lasted many years where I was able to freely and openly share ideas. But with things being far from perfect at home, and things progressively getting worse at home. It was just too much. And I think I began to honestly believe that I really wasn't good enough. And despite all the mocking and ridicule, I still very much looked up to my brother as the beacon of what I wanted to be. He was the star athlete in his class, he had all the cool friends, he had all the attention at home. He was IT.
Skipping forward a bit past 2 big deaths in the family, the brother gets involved with his first long term girlfriend and it honestly felt like he abandoned mom and I. It honestly felt as though we had 3 major deaths in the family as rarely as we saw him. And boy did that do a number on me as a kid. These feelings of not being good enough only solidified and I just began to keep things to myself. It's a wonder that i even managed to still create things at this point, but I still did somehow. But it never felt good enough. My stories were never important. etc etc etc. And this is just generally a mentality that I carried with me for many many years. Feeling that what I brought to the table just wasn't important. Everybody else became more important than myself.
I don't have any issue with how I carried myself during these times, and I wouldn't change anything in this era even if I could. I helped a lot of people with their own troubles and am very happy to have been able to do so. But even still, everything my brother does is just MORE important. Even to the point where some of my friends would almost forget I was in the room when he was around. True he wasn't around as often, but he always turned heads. Me and my creations were never good enough. It's hard to talk any more about this trend that still continues till this day. The entire world freezes for him where mine just kinda... exists off in the distance.
Then I started this whole youtube thing. It might very well be one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. It might even be a life saving decision. Because I tell ya man. It's been one heck of a journey. While things have kinda soured a bit since this was uploaded, this video sums up what took years, and literally thousands of people for me to finally realize...
I've been facing the past. I've been facing THAT past. The thing that I never wanted to face. The thing that I never wanted to see the light of day. The thing that I just wanted to just tuck away in the basement and not have to think about again. Turns out that if you're trying to improve yourself as an artist, it doesn't help when you've got years of negative conflicting and confusing emotions locked away in silly places.
I would have never been able to make it to this point had it not been for the people that have had faith in me all these years. There's a little part of me that really wishes I had come to this realization much sooner, but I dunno. Maybe I wasn't ready or something.
Either way, I think this was an important step. Finally getting this all out. Getting it all out of my system. I'm in a much better place now to finally address this. and finally move forward.
There's a bit more I want to talk about in this topic, but I think that's all for now. I've been typing this post for the past week, and nothing has been so emotionally draining haha. On an important note, our family is not in some kind of crazy turmoil. We all very much care for each other and only want whats best for one another. Growing up a bit has really helped a lot. But I'm just ready to move forward.
Lastly...
Totalbiscuit, somebody I really look up to as somewhat of a role model, perhaps not so much in what he does but moreso the honor he holds for doing the right thing. Total biscuit is a highly respected game critic advocate for consumer rights in the gaming market. Well, Totalbiscuit had been battling cancer for the past year or so and was finally in remissions. But things took a turn for the worst... I'll just copy paste his twitter post here.
"Well, I don't know if there is really a right way to tell people this, so I guess here goes. The CT did not come back negative. The cancer in the bowel is gone, but spots have appeared in my liver. They're not operable and there's no cure. Average life expectancy is 2-3 years, though there are outliers that live much longer. I'll be back on chemo in a few weeks, with the goal of pushing it back and keeping it there for as long as possible. I fully intend to be the outlier, the average is this way because most people that get this are old and not strong anymore. Who knows what they'll come up with in the next decade? I intend to beat it for as long as possible. Gonna need some time to process all of this. I don't really feel anything right now. Thanks."http://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1snlj3r
And this happened smack dab in the middle of the whole addressing the past thing. It's a hard thing to come to grips with. Knowing that somebody you have so much respect for only has a few years left to live. But like he said, maybe he will have a bit longer. Here's hoping man. I send all the best wishes your way TB.
At the very least...
At least I was somehow able to get one him to see a Totalbiscuit and Jesse Cox fan animations I did for them a few years back, which till this day is my most viewed animation.
Maybe when i get all this sorted out I can do more of these for them.
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