Since I didnt hit any of my major goals in 2021 it's hard to not feel like this whole creative thing just really isnt cut out for me. 2021 wasnt the big blast of creativity I sought it out to be, and you could probably argue that it's one of my most abysmal years output wise. But it's a bit more nuanced than that.
Spring Cleaning
Early 2021 I had the goal of cleaning things up a bit. The idea was that organizing the area around me would help clear my mind of unnecessary thoughts. Something something, clean work environment. I'd heard it for years, so I figured why not give it a try. So my goal became to just clean. Starting with my room, the house, some storage stuff and to help mom sort through her stuff as well. To let go of old junk that has just kinda been around for many years. Surprisingly this spring cleaning extended far beyond just spring and just kind of became both mine and mom's main focus, Clean up old stuff and get organized. Even though there are still some areas that we never got to, it was such a huge relief to get all that stuff cleaned up. Through the course of the drama of the past we really let things get out of hand... So it was such a great feeling to finally have some of those trouble areas finally clean but man was it mentally taxing.
Game Dev Channel.
I wanted to get the ball rolling so I decided to start up a Game Dev channel! I was basically piecing together footage from a small game I had made last year, but I did manage to get a few videos uploaded.
Stumpy
But just as things started to get back on the role our oldest dog Stumpy (Big Thousand as some of you may know her) became very ill. It was so sad because it was around the one year anniversary that we had lost our other older dog Sega. They both unfortunately died at the age of 12, one year apart (sega being one year older) and it really affected me more than I thought it would. These were our old dogs we had all through my college years. I would always dream of being able to buy a nice house with a big back yard for them to play in. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. Nevertheless, Im grateful to have had their company all these years. ...Even as troublesome as stumpy tended to be around our other dogs sometimes😆
Writing Exercise
After taking a moment to grieve I took another moment to look inward. Retreading grass it feels like I had treaded many times before. Rewriting all the same notes I'd made before. Rethinking all the same thoughts I thought before. Felt like I was just going in circles... Like a broken record... But what if I tried something different? What if I tried a writing exercise? I have an incredibly expansive world/universe/lore but very little to fill that space. You know, that story about Nona that all i've managed to speak on has really been "yea it's just kinda big"
This idea I had was sparked by a video I saw from WheezyWaiter where he wrote a song every day for 30 days.
It sounded like the perfect opportunity to pick random places, random characters, and just see how they fit together. Throw everything at the wall and see what sticks. I had always been a bit afraid to really dig into my lore with any certainty. I've always just had very lose ideas of concepts. and how things would work. So why not give it a try?
So I did! I gave it a try and had so much fun writing these! I unfortunately wasnt able to do the full 30 days, but I at least did a good 7 short stories. How exciting. How exciting to invent random characters and scenarios on the fly. Some characters I had already made, some were brand new. Just random events that happened in my universe.
Mom's Cancer Update
But then, the big news. I mentioned this in the last post and I apologize for not posting an update to this sooner for those that check out this blog. We had a big appointment with mom's Cancer Dr. Long story short, the medication is working! The cancer is shrinking. That was like the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. one of my biggest dreams has always been to help mom get back in creative mode. And it's great to know right now things are looking good.
Meditation
Then I took another moment to meditate on this. Meditate on the amazing vibes I was feeling. To use the good vibes from exploring my series the month prior. To use my highest dreams as a kind of north star for what I want to do and the direction I want to take my art. To REALLY give myself a mental reset in higher vibes. And man am I glad I did.
Schedule
I returned to my notes that I had written time and time again, and I think my path is clear. I know all the answers that I'm looking for. I just need to do it. Throughout all this time I have struggled with finding a schedule that works for me. There have been a number of pretty successful schedules but they have always felt just a tiny bit off. So I briefly experimented with a schedule more closely resembling what I had back in High School and College. These times had been deeply engrained in me for many many years. Why not try to just simply use that as a launch point? And it was actually amazing! It worked exactly like I was hoping. But since Holidays tend to be a little more busy, I held off any further experimentations on the schedule and tried to focus on the good vibes.
Deeper Self
Through my meditation I really began to look much deeper into myself and who I am as an individual. Who I am beyond the public persona. Who I am beyond the person behind the screen. I really started piece together who I really am and what I really stand for. REALLY stretching my mental creativity to explore much beyond the Doggy "brand" if you will. How much of that is Much of it is who I really am? My excitement for creativity and general exploration of creativity really exploded! Those ideas of exploring that side, and exploring my stories. For some reason I was taken back to an interview with RossDraws and BlenderGuru
How Ross cares so deeply about his characters and getting his story out there. Maybe that's a side of me that I've never fully explored that I have been sitting on for all these years. Exploring my own stories and sharing those with the world. It makes me incredibly excited to work on my games and stories. I don't know how the world will receive them, but I suppose I dont particularly care. I want to share these with people. At the end of my life I would at least like to say that I tried.
Warframe's Story
Then out of nowhere during the hustle and bustle of the holidays, DE dropped the next main story update for Warframe and holy ... DE has always had a special place in my heart for being one of my biggest inspirations for game development and more recently story telling with the introduction of their cinematic quests. And this quest man. It feels like it was the culmination of all the best vibes I have been feeling. Somehow subconsciously ticking all the right boxes at just the right moment in my life. Like DE was somehow whispering into my ear "Do the thing doggy. Make the stuff." It's incredibly rare that I get creative tingles when playing/watching things. But man this quest was amazing. I'm even more excited to create things now than ever to work on those projects.
Change in Mental Dialogue
Through my own mental Dialogue, one of my favorite phrases has been "Find the fun". It's been a phrase I have held very closely. It hasnt always helped but it's been a nice thing to remember when creating. To just look for that fun, keep an eye out for the fun that comes from creating. However, recently that has changed. I have recently changed that dialogue from "Find the fun", to "Follow the fun." The big difference is that "Find the fun" almost kind of implies that I dont yet have the fun. That I dont know what the fun is and that it's something I'm hunting for. Where as "Follow the Fun" almost has more of a playful ring to it. "I already know what the fun is, I'm just following it around." While that might not necessarily always be true, I love the playful undertones of it. Especially seeing that THAT's how I want to view my art and creativity. Just to simply have fun with it all. Enjoy the process AND the product. Creating with utter bliss and excitement. I'm creating worlds here. Literal somethings from nothings. Emotions. How is that not amazing?? And in that same breath, I am replacing "Tools" with "Toys" Famous quote from Glenn Vilppu "These are Tools Not Rules" when referring to techniques and skills. Im changing the "Tools" idea to "Toys" because that's how I view it. I view it as toys that are meant to be played with.
I'm reminded by a great video by Allan Watts comparing life to dance
How life is something that is meant to be enjoyed and cherished. Not rushed through. I very much view art in that same way. Art is something you do. Not something to be rushed through. It is meant to be enjoyed. Not struggled through.
I've noticed this small mental shift has drastically changed the very feeling of drawing. Even the idea of studying and learning almost feel like there's just a different feeling to it.
In an attempt to follow the fun, I've made some rather bold adjustments to my usual study regimen. While my study has been rather sporadic this year, I've made the massive mental adjustment to put much more emphasis in studying my inspirations as much if not more than the usual study material. AND spend more time in those particular study areas. I feel that one of my mistakes previously was that I simply moved too fast from one subject to another.
In Conclusion
It's been a wild year. Many ups and downs. While 2021 wasnt the breakout success I would have loved for it to be high note I ended on cant be ignored. I feel like going into 2022, I'm geared with an entirely different loadout than any previous year. I even feel like my ability to draw what I see has somehow leveled up in the process as well.
Not without it's flaws of-course, but it feels like it's on the right path. If i'm able to dedicate my own time to the craft how I've always dreamed of... I'm very excited for the future. Things will be a little bit busy around the house for the first weekish of 2022 so if i cant do everything I want in that time and that's fine. But I'm excited.
And if this isnt some kind of sign; when I was much younger, a good friend and I made a joke game company called "22" Hmm.
Is it a coincidence that a passing joke game company happened to match up with the year that I am more heavily involved and excited in game development than I've ever been? Hmmmmmm.
Surely I speak of impossibilities.
but maybe it's not.
All that said, the hurt from the past still lingers. The idea that it's taken me so long to do... anything still lingers.
But I'm excited.
Cheers to a prosperous 2022.
No comments:
Post a Comment